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Rules
for Cats
 LICK-IT DIET
Let them open another can of food. Lick-it dry. Smear it around the dish
then turn your nose up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and
look at it with disdain, meaning; you don't expect me to eat this dry
crap, do you?
RUG BURN
Take chunks of food from the plate and drop it on the rug just inside
the living room. This is always good to burn them up.
THE SMELL OF HELL
Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck
out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says,
"what is this crap?"
WHERE'S MY MILK?
Sit in front of the fridge with your back to them. Be patient because
sometimes they won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder
at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making you wait,
they'll give you the heavy cream.
CONFUSION SAY
Yes, I know I ate some of that this morning, but that was this morning.
I don't want any more of that. Make them open another can of something
different. Always keep them confused about your diet.
REDECORATE
A few spots of dried food look great on the baseboard. The harder it
gets, the harder they work!
BIRDS & MICE AND THINGS NOT NICE
Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a
nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's
always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the
Cat's Meow!
INDECISION
Sit at the screen door looking out. They almost always think you want to
go out. Run away when they open the door. Three or four times is enough
to drive them up the wall.
IN AND OUT
Sit looking at the doorknob. When they open the door, take your time.
Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room.
You don't have to decide quickly. Most of the damn fools will hold the
door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows.
For a real treat, after several minutes, back into the room, then look
at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?
PEE TIME
Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on
their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until
they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to
get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he
gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.
FOIL & TOIL
A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to
shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old lady is bent over picking
up the scraps, you can chuckle at her backside. After all, they don'[t
understand our language anyhow.
WALKING
The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them.
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their
arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their coordination skills. Always act afraid of dogs in front of
humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big
show and hang on for life.
BARF....
If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the
quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It
will give the human a chance to go to a Laundromat and spend more money.
Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you
feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilter,
try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is
good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it
is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to
leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your
mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.
HAIR TODAY, HAIR TOMORROW
If you have a bite, be sure to pull a few hairs out. Try to leave them
against a nice background where someone is sure to sit. This is sure to
get you a nice brushing. Most cats doze off while they are brushed. It's
almost better than being petted.
ANOTHER CAT?
No way! Establish your territory early. Make that intruder respect you.
He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants
to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his
food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they
give him any attention.
BATHROOMS
Always sit just around the corner of the door so they narrowly miss
stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide
under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you
down.
HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is
idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping",
otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for
"hampering":
- When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel
of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier
when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table.
- For book readers, get in close under the chin, between
eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
- For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in
the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at
least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery
and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans
may tell you.
- For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on
income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim
-- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time.
- When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night so she/he cannot move around.
PLAY
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime
so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several
favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain
one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play,
such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if
to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
PAPER BAGS
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to
be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can
easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the
bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to
kill them.
SCRATCHING POSTS
The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the
fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their
attention. Hassocks are also good scratching posts. It is advised that
cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very
protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly
if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
HUMANS
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give
attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to
maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget
who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They
can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have
a smooth-running household.
And
Now Some Rules for Cat Lovers:
-
The
cat is not allowed in the house.
-
OK,
the cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
-
OK,
the cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture.
-
The
cat can get on the old furniture only.
-
Fine,
the cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to
sleep with the humans on the bed.
-
The
cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the
pillow.
-
OK,
The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation
only.
-
Well,
ok, the cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the
pillow too.
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Humans
must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat; only
the cat can sleep on the pillow.
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